Are you a bridge burner? Once you've decided on a particular action/direction do you burn the bridge your on and those behind you? I'm not talking about the 'quality' of the decision - right/wrong, good/bad, smart/stupid, etc. - merely the finality of decision. Do you ever reassess? Again, this is not a statement on the quality of the decision merely a question as to the methodology.
Since I'm an options planner and take a learner's approach to living, this requires that my methodology embraces a reassessment mentality. Again, without valuing the methodology, where do you fall? While the reassessment can be a range of little to over assess, the initial decision is an either/or. Either you burn bridges, or you don't.
Obviously I would make the argument for not burning bridges because you may find yourself needing it or rediscovering it in the future. But there is also an argument for burnt bridges. If this is your preferred mode of decision making then it is a 'once and done'. Once you make a decision, however the path you used to get there, it's finished. You can eliminate all the attendant baggage that is no longer relevant since the decision is made. You move on quickly. There may be ideas, thoughts, people that are left in your wake, but you are basically untouched by them - you might not even know they exist.
For the non bridge burners, sometimes moving on gets delayed because of your mindset. It's not a fear of making the wrong decision as much as it is a desire to make the right decision given what you know. There is a continuum of decision making with the non burners from those who want some information but don't want to be bogged down to those who continually seek all the information they feel they need for the 'proper' decision.
Sooo... what kind of decision maker are you? A bridge burner or someone on the continuum of fact collector to make a decision? It's not a right/wrong it really has more to do with your previous experience in decision making and your personality 'type'. And no, not all type A's burn bridges.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Unfinished Business
At the risk of sounding macabre... every once in a while I do a check to see if I have any outstanding business that needs attending. What I do is to ask myself - if I were to die tonight was there anyone I needed to talk with, anything I needed to finish or make provision for? There are multiple reasons for doing this, not the least of which is to not have excess baggage hanging around. Because, let's face it, we really never forget these 'things'.
Doing a check on our personal 'To Do' items is important so we don't have a long list of unfinished items. And the 'to do' aren't just the issues of forgiving - yourself, others, seeking and/or giving forgiveness - it's also those words and actions of encouragement, of love, of support. I would suggest that is this latter category that gets the most short shrift.
Most of the encouragement/love/support items are, in our minds, 'givens'. But they're not. And even if others did perceive them as a given, we still need to provide occasional reinforcement of our attitudes and beliefs. It's important to let others know that we appreciate them and what they are and do for us. When was the last time you told your significant other(s) that you do love and appreciate them? If you have children, when was the last time you told them that you were proud of them and who they are becoming, not just what they do?
It isn't just the activities of others than need complementing, it's the more intangible things that are truly crucial to growth that need acknowledging. If we spent as much time on reinforcing the good in others rather than pointing out the deficiencies - how would that person react? Actually we have no idea the power of a word of support can have.
We all have unfinished items in our lives. What we need to do is to be more conscious of them and act on what we are aware of more often. We need to be proactive in finishing our unfinished business.
Doing a check on our personal 'To Do' items is important so we don't have a long list of unfinished items. And the 'to do' aren't just the issues of forgiving - yourself, others, seeking and/or giving forgiveness - it's also those words and actions of encouragement, of love, of support. I would suggest that is this latter category that gets the most short shrift.
Most of the encouragement/love/support items are, in our minds, 'givens'. But they're not. And even if others did perceive them as a given, we still need to provide occasional reinforcement of our attitudes and beliefs. It's important to let others know that we appreciate them and what they are and do for us. When was the last time you told your significant other(s) that you do love and appreciate them? If you have children, when was the last time you told them that you were proud of them and who they are becoming, not just what they do?
It isn't just the activities of others than need complementing, it's the more intangible things that are truly crucial to growth that need acknowledging. If we spent as much time on reinforcing the good in others rather than pointing out the deficiencies - how would that person react? Actually we have no idea the power of a word of support can have.
We all have unfinished items in our lives. What we need to do is to be more conscious of them and act on what we are aware of more often. We need to be proactive in finishing our unfinished business.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Reputation
Do you know what your reputation is? How are you viewed by those who inhabit your world? And I'm not talking about how you want to be known, what is your reputation? Do you want to know? In the final analysis, your reputation allows you to know who you are from others' perspective. You actually have everything to do with your reputation. Your behavior dictates who you are far more than mere words. People believe what they see quicker than what they hear. As a result it is far easier to discover your reputation.
Reputation emanates from your character but qualities may seem in opposition such as 'respected' and 'liked'. Examples: what you need to appreciate is that you may not be liked but you are respected. You may have many acquaintances but no one you could really talk with. You may be called on when things are difficult but rarely are you invited to 'fun' outings. Part of the problem is reconciling these apparent opposites, but they are not necessarily mutually exclusive.
A reputation is not built on one misstep nor is it made on one positive action. Reputations are built over time as you are seen in a variety of settings and your consistency emerges... or doesn't. And it is true that one's reputation does precede them. If you are 'known' as a gossip then private matters will probably not be discussed. If you are known as a person who weighs all sides in a disagreement then you probably will be trusted with the true feelings.
If you don't like your rep, you can improve it but just as it took time to build what is currently your rep, it will take time to change people's perceptions. It is the depth of your character and the consistency of your behavior that will determine your reputation. Changes from negative to positive character qualities will occur as people begin to trust the new congruency. It will become a question of importance to you... the effort to change and the acceptance of the new or the ease of what is.
Reputation emanates from your character but qualities may seem in opposition such as 'respected' and 'liked'. Examples: what you need to appreciate is that you may not be liked but you are respected. You may have many acquaintances but no one you could really talk with. You may be called on when things are difficult but rarely are you invited to 'fun' outings. Part of the problem is reconciling these apparent opposites, but they are not necessarily mutually exclusive.
A reputation is not built on one misstep nor is it made on one positive action. Reputations are built over time as you are seen in a variety of settings and your consistency emerges... or doesn't. And it is true that one's reputation does precede them. If you are 'known' as a gossip then private matters will probably not be discussed. If you are known as a person who weighs all sides in a disagreement then you probably will be trusted with the true feelings.
If you don't like your rep, you can improve it but just as it took time to build what is currently your rep, it will take time to change people's perceptions. It is the depth of your character and the consistency of your behavior that will determine your reputation. Changes from negative to positive character qualities will occur as people begin to trust the new congruency. It will become a question of importance to you... the effort to change and the acceptance of the new or the ease of what is.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
A victim of your life?
Are you a victim? Do you have a victim's mentality? Just because 'things' aren't going your way doesn't make you a victim. And just because you experience harsh times in your life doesn't make you a victim. Perhaps you say that it isn't your fault that (fill in the blank with your excuse/reason about why whatever happened/is) but this still doesn't make you a victim. Besides, is that how you want to view yourself or have others see you?
Part of Webster's definition of victim is: one who suffers some loss. However, the loss may be real or imaginary, regardless - the sufferer experiences loss. Being a victim, I believe, is as much a mindset as a reality. I have a friend who believes that if something 'bad' is going to happen, it will happen to her. And it typically does. I don't know if this is a self fulfilling prophecy problem or if she simply places herself, knowingly or unknowingly, in harm's way. However, your perception is what you believe so... if you're a victim, what do you do?
My suggestion is that you reconsider who you are. I believe you need a different perspective. There is no reason for you to live a victim-life and you are not a victim of your life. If you are a Christian, which is the first step, you need to steep yourself in scripture to discover who you are and what's available to you now that you are part of the family of God. It is impossible to know and believe in the following scriptures and be a victim at the same time.
There are many scriptures you can stand on to fight against what you are facing. Remember, you do have an enemy whose purpose is to defeat you (John 10:10). However you also have weapons (2Corinthians 10:4-5) designed to defeat anything that comes against you. While there are many scriptures you can use for your defense, there are 3 that are easy to recall. One is: "If God be for me who can stand against me?" (Romans 8:31) Second: "No weapon formed against you can prosper." (Isaiah 54:17) and third: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)
It is impossible to view yourself as a victim and believe in those 3 scriptures at the same time. You can act as an overcomer when you choose to change your perception from defeated to victorious. Remember: "A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all." (Psalms 34:19)
Part of Webster's definition of victim is: one who suffers some loss. However, the loss may be real or imaginary, regardless - the sufferer experiences loss. Being a victim, I believe, is as much a mindset as a reality. I have a friend who believes that if something 'bad' is going to happen, it will happen to her. And it typically does. I don't know if this is a self fulfilling prophecy problem or if she simply places herself, knowingly or unknowingly, in harm's way. However, your perception is what you believe so... if you're a victim, what do you do?
My suggestion is that you reconsider who you are. I believe you need a different perspective. There is no reason for you to live a victim-life and you are not a victim of your life. If you are a Christian, which is the first step, you need to steep yourself in scripture to discover who you are and what's available to you now that you are part of the family of God. It is impossible to know and believe in the following scriptures and be a victim at the same time.
There are many scriptures you can stand on to fight against what you are facing. Remember, you do have an enemy whose purpose is to defeat you (John 10:10). However you also have weapons (2Corinthians 10:4-5) designed to defeat anything that comes against you. While there are many scriptures you can use for your defense, there are 3 that are easy to recall. One is: "If God be for me who can stand against me?" (Romans 8:31) Second: "No weapon formed against you can prosper." (Isaiah 54:17) and third: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)
It is impossible to view yourself as a victim and believe in those 3 scriptures at the same time. You can act as an overcomer when you choose to change your perception from defeated to victorious. Remember: "A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all." (Psalms 34:19)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Definitions
It dawned on me that though I often talk about definitions and knowing the other person's mindset/frame of reference when engaged in communication, I rarely provide my definitions - Webster's, yes but not often mine. We all specially define words and then somehow expect others to automatically understand without our providing the definition. We can all agree, disagree when we are on the same page, but never assume everyone is on the same page. Also, it's not necessary to agree with my definitions, but it will explain why I'm saying what I'm saying.
I suspect part of my lapse is due to the fact that words are constantly being refined as they are applied and interact with other's definitions. There are some basic, to me, words that though I use them I don't often define them and this would be especially helpful in understanding not only what I say but how I'm using the word. There are other words that also need defining and I'll attempt to be more sensitive to this.
Gratitude: is more than thankfulness. Gratitude is one's realization that you have been blessed, not because of anything you've said or done but because the Father has gifted you. Your response to the gift is gratitude because you realize that you really needed what was given though you neither deserved it nor even realized your own need.
Hope: it is not the last resort. Hope has far more substance that that. Hope is a belief that though you might not have all the information and all the answers, that you will know what you need to know when you need to know it. Understand and appreciate comes later.
Faith: is critical. But it is alive and grows with you as you learn and understand and exercise it. As scripture says, it must be activated and mixed with Love. Though it may be a given, I think that Truth is the other component in this three legged foundation.
Love: I'm not sure it is definable because it is a feeling as well. The ancient Greeks had problems too which is why they coined a new word - agape. That's love above and beyond, uncompromising and unconditional and yet see able. It is the passion and drive that underscores our words and behaviors. Love is an action not just a word.
Lord: There's only one person, Jesus, that fulfills this role. He was, He is, and He continues to be. He's our hope, he's the foundation of our faith, and He loves us regardless of how we view Him. Our response to Him should be gratitude and love.
I suspect part of my lapse is due to the fact that words are constantly being refined as they are applied and interact with other's definitions. There are some basic, to me, words that though I use them I don't often define them and this would be especially helpful in understanding not only what I say but how I'm using the word. There are other words that also need defining and I'll attempt to be more sensitive to this.
Gratitude: is more than thankfulness. Gratitude is one's realization that you have been blessed, not because of anything you've said or done but because the Father has gifted you. Your response to the gift is gratitude because you realize that you really needed what was given though you neither deserved it nor even realized your own need.
Hope: it is not the last resort. Hope has far more substance that that. Hope is a belief that though you might not have all the information and all the answers, that you will know what you need to know when you need to know it. Understand and appreciate comes later.
Faith: is critical. But it is alive and grows with you as you learn and understand and exercise it. As scripture says, it must be activated and mixed with Love. Though it may be a given, I think that Truth is the other component in this three legged foundation.
Love: I'm not sure it is definable because it is a feeling as well. The ancient Greeks had problems too which is why they coined a new word - agape. That's love above and beyond, uncompromising and unconditional and yet see able. It is the passion and drive that underscores our words and behaviors. Love is an action not just a word.
Lord: There's only one person, Jesus, that fulfills this role. He was, He is, and He continues to be. He's our hope, he's the foundation of our faith, and He loves us regardless of how we view Him. Our response to Him should be gratitude and love.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
AssignmentS
I don't believe in one and done, I tend to believe that we have many assignments throughout our lives - big ones and little ones. Some will require a great deal of faith and trust and others will be simpler but all are important - there is no such thing as an insignificant assignment. And I believe that the assignments demonstrate our previous faithfulness and the Lord's trust in us (Luke 16:10). Though, admittedly, it is sometimes difficult to wrap one's mind around the fact that the Lord trusts us.
Somehow I also think that these assignments are (can be?) daily and not always a long term involvement. And I think our choices play the major role in this. While we may not have the choice over what the assignment may be I do think we have the choice to accept it or not. The problem is that whatever is asked is not 'make work' but something that needs to be accomplished. If we don't accept the assignment then it will be offered to another, along with the blessing/reward.
I would also caution that you should never enter into an assignment thoughtlessly. Because assignments are important we should also determine that we should approach our role with the intention of completing the assignment. Even when you believe what is asked of you isn't important, that's not your decision - yours is to accept or not. Sometimes what is not seen is that you are part of a much larger picture and are one piece of attaining the goal.
My scriptural foundation for this belief comes from, among many: we are His workmanship (Ephesians 2:10), He has a plan for us...for a future (Jeremiah 29:11), faithful in the little things (Matthew 25:21) - and these are only the obvious 'evidences'. We are all called. We all have assignmentS. We are never asked to do more than we are able, but we may be asked to operate on a level of faith we may not be aware we have.
Somehow I also think that these assignments are (can be?) daily and not always a long term involvement. And I think our choices play the major role in this. While we may not have the choice over what the assignment may be I do think we have the choice to accept it or not. The problem is that whatever is asked is not 'make work' but something that needs to be accomplished. If we don't accept the assignment then it will be offered to another, along with the blessing/reward.
I would also caution that you should never enter into an assignment thoughtlessly. Because assignments are important we should also determine that we should approach our role with the intention of completing the assignment. Even when you believe what is asked of you isn't important, that's not your decision - yours is to accept or not. Sometimes what is not seen is that you are part of a much larger picture and are one piece of attaining the goal.
My scriptural foundation for this belief comes from, among many: we are His workmanship (Ephesians 2:10), He has a plan for us...for a future (Jeremiah 29:11), faithful in the little things (Matthew 25:21) - and these are only the obvious 'evidences'. We are all called. We all have assignmentS. We are never asked to do more than we are able, but we may be asked to operate on a level of faith we may not be aware we have.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
After Dreaming...
If daring to dream is the first step, then following the dream is the second. Without action on your part, your dream can't progress. If you don't take action your dream cannot. If not now... when? You'll be miserable if you never try. It will haunt you until you finally do take that step toward seeing if the dream is really yours. My Dad said that it didn't take any more to dream big as it did to dream small, so dream big. That's good advice. If a dream doesn't demand of you all of who you are, then it really isn't worth it.
Having a dream is one thing but discovering if it is yours is next. The interesting aspect about dreams is that once you start on the path to 'do something' about your dream it will become quite clear whether or not it really is for you. What you need to realize is that you have to contract with dreams and if you find yourself following and not leading your dream - it isn't for you.
What you discover is that passion is a big key in the dream discovery process. If you have a passion for something and the abilities to accomplish it then the dream can become your reality. Example: I can have a dream, a passion to be a great golfer but if I have no talent and/or won't follow the discipline to become, at least a good golfer, then nothing will happen. The 'and' is important. You need both passion and ability.
We sometimes think we have a dream only to discover, as we start the journey, it really isn't for us. That's OK - at least you did something and made the discovery. If it isn't yours then the dream that is for you will finally come out of the shadows. As one dream becomes accomplished, during the process a new dream will emerge - at least that's been my experience. Dreaming is the start, but action is the 'after'. I think 'next' is the third step.
Having a dream is one thing but discovering if it is yours is next. The interesting aspect about dreams is that once you start on the path to 'do something' about your dream it will become quite clear whether or not it really is for you. What you need to realize is that you have to contract with dreams and if you find yourself following and not leading your dream - it isn't for you.
What you discover is that passion is a big key in the dream discovery process. If you have a passion for something and the abilities to accomplish it then the dream can become your reality. Example: I can have a dream, a passion to be a great golfer but if I have no talent and/or won't follow the discipline to become, at least a good golfer, then nothing will happen. The 'and' is important. You need both passion and ability.
We sometimes think we have a dream only to discover, as we start the journey, it really isn't for us. That's OK - at least you did something and made the discovery. If it isn't yours then the dream that is for you will finally come out of the shadows. As one dream becomes accomplished, during the process a new dream will emerge - at least that's been my experience. Dreaming is the start, but action is the 'after'. I think 'next' is the third step.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Soon and Very Soon
There's an old gospel song called "Soon and very soon we are going to meet the King...". And that is the hope Christian's have - a sure hope. The question is not IF we're going to meet the King (Jesus) but when. How close are we to the 'soon and very soon'?
If your guide is scripture, and as a Christian it must be or where is our history, our roots, our standards, our foundation, then one of the first things you have to look at are the prophecies. The question: are there any prophecies in scripture that haven't been fulfilled? Most Pentecostals will be prompt in replying - no. The prophecies that are indicated in the Old Testament some 2000 years of history before Jesus, have been fulfilled according to every dot and tittle. Thus we are in the 'end times'. Actually we are in a holding pattern until all is prepared and ready.
End times study has always sparked a lot of controversy. Interestingly enough - the controversy is about the details, not about the issue. The question Christians should ask themselves is what are they doing until the soon is now? We have a responsibility to both the Person who has sent us and the people we can touch - we need to be able to share, uncompromisingly, the answer (Hebrews 7:25).
It really doesn't matter whether you believe in pre-Trib, mid-Trib, post-Trib or how and when the Rapture will take place. You can make your calculations as to the date but as scripture points out, the only one that knows is the Father. But the one thing all Christians do believe in is that Jesus will return. However, we can all look at the signs of the times we live in and see that things are getting worse and worse. Thus... soon and very soon.
If your guide is scripture, and as a Christian it must be or where is our history, our roots, our standards, our foundation, then one of the first things you have to look at are the prophecies. The question: are there any prophecies in scripture that haven't been fulfilled? Most Pentecostals will be prompt in replying - no. The prophecies that are indicated in the Old Testament some 2000 years of history before Jesus, have been fulfilled according to every dot and tittle. Thus we are in the 'end times'. Actually we are in a holding pattern until all is prepared and ready.
End times study has always sparked a lot of controversy. Interestingly enough - the controversy is about the details, not about the issue. The question Christians should ask themselves is what are they doing until the soon is now? We have a responsibility to both the Person who has sent us and the people we can touch - we need to be able to share, uncompromisingly, the answer (Hebrews 7:25).
It really doesn't matter whether you believe in pre-Trib, mid-Trib, post-Trib or how and when the Rapture will take place. You can make your calculations as to the date but as scripture points out, the only one that knows is the Father. But the one thing all Christians do believe in is that Jesus will return. However, we can all look at the signs of the times we live in and see that things are getting worse and worse. Thus... soon and very soon.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Best
Best does not always mean, 'easiest'. In fact, often the best is the hardest - requiring a high price from you to attain the 'very best'. This always means a question of whether or not you are willing to do, to be in order to have the best. Or... are you willing to settle for less, something better than you currently have but not the price the best requires?
Granted I've posed this question in abstraction rather than specifics so it might be more difficult to answer because each issue is an entity unto itself.? Or... is it a matter of attitude, of mindset - of character? What are you willing to 'sacrifice' in order to attain the best of (fill in the blank)? And what are you unwilling to sacrifice, what second best will you take in place of the best?
What you also need to know is that the words are emotionally charged. Who would want to admit that a state less than the very best was perfectly acceptable? But what may be 'best' for one person may only be 'better' for another. The problem is that there is no standard measurement available - and there really can't be. However, you need to be able to assess for yourself what is your definitions and standards and apply them according to the issue that arises. Don't compare yourself against another person, that's not necessary and becomes self defeating.
These questions should not to be interpreted as a valuation on your choices/decisions. Only you can do this. The questions are raised in order for you to see how and what you are willing to do in order to attain whatever 'state' you want. I've always felt that it is 'best' if I know my limits, my resources, my willingness before I face the issue.
Granted I've posed this question in abstraction rather than specifics so it might be more difficult to answer because each issue is an entity unto itself.? Or... is it a matter of attitude, of mindset - of character? What are you willing to 'sacrifice' in order to attain the best of (fill in the blank)? And what are you unwilling to sacrifice, what second best will you take in place of the best?
What you also need to know is that the words are emotionally charged. Who would want to admit that a state less than the very best was perfectly acceptable? But what may be 'best' for one person may only be 'better' for another. The problem is that there is no standard measurement available - and there really can't be. However, you need to be able to assess for yourself what is your definitions and standards and apply them according to the issue that arises. Don't compare yourself against another person, that's not necessary and becomes self defeating.
These questions should not to be interpreted as a valuation on your choices/decisions. Only you can do this. The questions are raised in order for you to see how and what you are willing to do in order to attain whatever 'state' you want. I've always felt that it is 'best' if I know my limits, my resources, my willingness before I face the issue.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Humility
It will be of no surprise to anyone who knows me that humility is not one of my strong suits. It isn't last, but it does languish close to that. Part of the problem is that the word really has so many different definitions but people operate on their definition without ever checking to see if others have a similar view. What's your view of humility? Because if it isn't a value, it won't be one of your characteristics.
I think that part of the problem with humility is that no one has a 'acceptable' definition and behavior related to the word. It is important to realize that humility is not groveling. Humility is not a passive action. Problem is... I really don't like any of the definitions I've read. Most of them talk about abasing or lowering self, unpretentious, etc. To me this is not something I would want to do/be - I see no positive benefit to this. So what is the positive to the word?
Eventually I always go to the purpose of the word - what it is attempting to accomplish. From that I look at the definition in order to understand if this is what I want to describe me. With the word - humility - my definition is based in knowing who I am and whose I am and then behaving based on that definition. I've been successful and I've also been unsuccessful - but, I've never forgotten that the knowing is the foundation. But I also don't view this as prideful.
I imagine it could be argued that I'm merely being arrogant... but that really is too simplistic. Regardless of the characteristic under discussion, we need to know what the purpose of the word is, how it looks in action (the associated behavior). Perhaps the issue is one of attitude. The attitude we associate and display with words. And in the case of humility, perhaps it is how we respond to opinions and people different from ours.
I think that part of the problem with humility is that no one has a 'acceptable' definition and behavior related to the word. It is important to realize that humility is not groveling. Humility is not a passive action. Problem is... I really don't like any of the definitions I've read. Most of them talk about abasing or lowering self, unpretentious, etc. To me this is not something I would want to do/be - I see no positive benefit to this. So what is the positive to the word?
Eventually I always go to the purpose of the word - what it is attempting to accomplish. From that I look at the definition in order to understand if this is what I want to describe me. With the word - humility - my definition is based in knowing who I am and whose I am and then behaving based on that definition. I've been successful and I've also been unsuccessful - but, I've never forgotten that the knowing is the foundation. But I also don't view this as prideful.
I imagine it could be argued that I'm merely being arrogant... but that really is too simplistic. Regardless of the characteristic under discussion, we need to know what the purpose of the word is, how it looks in action (the associated behavior). Perhaps the issue is one of attitude. The attitude we associate and display with words. And in the case of humility, perhaps it is how we respond to opinions and people different from ours.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Ordering your world
This is more of a 'how' than it is an 'if' question'. We all order our world, it's how we make sense of what is happening and it helps us determine our responses. Ordering is neither good or bad, it is a given, an 'is'. And yes, our ordering impacts on the effectiveness of our responses.
According to Webster, order is: a condition in which everything is in its place and working properly. I believe it's equally important to identify and understand how the various parts relate to one another. I also believe you will be surprised at just how much makes up your world: family, church, work, friends, leisure, organizations, etc. and those were only the broad headings. Additionally, they don't always agree as to which is the most important, as each requires time, involvement, money, energy, etc.
What we are seeking is equilibrium among the various components. Generally speaking, everything is always attempting to find equilibrium so that everything is working properly. This, unfortunately, rarely lasts because of all the stimuli bombarding us constantly. So the on-the-fly question is how do we respond to, integrate successfully the old order and the new demands?
While we can always work toward that utopian state of equilibrium, we also need to know how to cope when this is not attained (which is typically about 98% of the time). What we also need to remember is that it is those times when things aren't in balance that typically create new learnings. Or, it can become a time to 'experiment' with new behaviors.
Ordering can't be a once do and done. While ordering provides structure, a framework - our mindset, some of the parts of the structure are 'set in cement' but there are more porous parts that change as other pieces are added or further understanding occurs. Ordering increases as we learn and interact more and more with our world.
According to Webster, order is: a condition in which everything is in its place and working properly. I believe it's equally important to identify and understand how the various parts relate to one another. I also believe you will be surprised at just how much makes up your world: family, church, work, friends, leisure, organizations, etc. and those were only the broad headings. Additionally, they don't always agree as to which is the most important, as each requires time, involvement, money, energy, etc.
What we are seeking is equilibrium among the various components. Generally speaking, everything is always attempting to find equilibrium so that everything is working properly. This, unfortunately, rarely lasts because of all the stimuli bombarding us constantly. So the on-the-fly question is how do we respond to, integrate successfully the old order and the new demands?
While we can always work toward that utopian state of equilibrium, we also need to know how to cope when this is not attained (which is typically about 98% of the time). What we also need to remember is that it is those times when things aren't in balance that typically create new learnings. Or, it can become a time to 'experiment' with new behaviors.
Ordering can't be a once do and done. While ordering provides structure, a framework - our mindset, some of the parts of the structure are 'set in cement' but there are more porous parts that change as other pieces are added or further understanding occurs. Ordering increases as we learn and interact more and more with our world.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Struggling
There are some definite 'facts' you need to know about struggling: 1- you don't just experience it once and never again - the issue may change but not the experience, 2- everyone goes through (multiple) times of struggle, 3- everyone has their own method of exit. Not particularly helpful information? Probably not.
Another reality is that struggling is a war. But sometimes you really don't know who/what the enemy is... which is frustrating. I believe that what we fail to learn from history/our mistakes, we are doomed to repeat so I try and always take the learner's approach. For me it is the fastest way out. Obviously this is my recommended approach I take to exit a struggle.
It is logical but typically not the first action one takes to extricate oneself, but if you can stop struggling long enough to begin analyzing what's happening you probably will discover your first clue to exit. The little known fact about struggles is that they can also be extremely beneficial (depending on your definition) because if you take a learners approach, you can make significant discoveries.
Swinging wildly at anything/anyone close is rarely effective. What you can do is to discover the reason for the struggle. Then you look at the issue's relationship to you because not all struggles are necessary and not all are related directly to you. Next you look at or determine your options, choose your next step and move on. Imminently logical? Yes. But possible?
Unfortunately this does not address the 'type' of struggle, which is undoubtedly the most important consideration. How you respond to an emotional struggle is different than an intellectual one. But when the struggle is both emotional and intellectual - it is far from a simple, becoming complicated and requiring energy and time. Struggles don't just go away... they can't be ignored, you have to deal with them.
Another reality is that struggling is a war. But sometimes you really don't know who/what the enemy is... which is frustrating. I believe that what we fail to learn from history/our mistakes, we are doomed to repeat so I try and always take the learner's approach. For me it is the fastest way out. Obviously this is my recommended approach I take to exit a struggle.
It is logical but typically not the first action one takes to extricate oneself, but if you can stop struggling long enough to begin analyzing what's happening you probably will discover your first clue to exit. The little known fact about struggles is that they can also be extremely beneficial (depending on your definition) because if you take a learners approach, you can make significant discoveries.
Swinging wildly at anything/anyone close is rarely effective. What you can do is to discover the reason for the struggle. Then you look at the issue's relationship to you because not all struggles are necessary and not all are related directly to you. Next you look at or determine your options, choose your next step and move on. Imminently logical? Yes. But possible?
Unfortunately this does not address the 'type' of struggle, which is undoubtedly the most important consideration. How you respond to an emotional struggle is different than an intellectual one. But when the struggle is both emotional and intellectual - it is far from a simple, becoming complicated and requiring energy and time. Struggles don't just go away... they can't be ignored, you have to deal with them.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Understand... by and by
Understanding has always held a high priority for me. I can cope with just about anything, if I understand. Unfortunately, this doesn't always occur and we're left pondering the why. Pondering doesn't typically get us anywhere but that's still what we do.
Why is understanding important? Webster's definition of understanding gives us the reason: the power to think and learn, to perceive the meaning of, to know the nature, character of. For people who seek meaning, understanding is an extremely important consideration. It's because this gives us a framework in which we can view what's happening in our lives.
For me, understanding is the second step after knowing. Knowing is the start of the journey because we can't get anywhere without knowing, but understanding comes next. Understanding helps us begin to appreciate the 'why' and this helps us grow. However, it's how we handle those situations that we can't understand that really marks our growth.
So what do you do when nothing seems to makes sense or you just don't understand what is happening or why? One of the first things I try to do is to determine if my question is an issue of 'what' or 'why', because they are not necessarily the same. I know that sounds like a 'rational' approach and less likely to occur in a highly charged situation but I still try. I tend to be quite logical so this mindset is an easier one to adopt. Still, in this knowing of what/why one still may not be much closer to understanding - but it does provide a framework.
As much as I may not like it, understanding may not come immediately. It may be a situation in which understanding comes as you act on what you believe. There's an old gospel song that says, "We'll understand it better... by and by." And perhaps, the fact that eventually understanding will come will be sufficient.
Why is understanding important? Webster's definition of understanding gives us the reason: the power to think and learn, to perceive the meaning of, to know the nature, character of. For people who seek meaning, understanding is an extremely important consideration. It's because this gives us a framework in which we can view what's happening in our lives.
For me, understanding is the second step after knowing. Knowing is the start of the journey because we can't get anywhere without knowing, but understanding comes next. Understanding helps us begin to appreciate the 'why' and this helps us grow. However, it's how we handle those situations that we can't understand that really marks our growth.
So what do you do when nothing seems to makes sense or you just don't understand what is happening or why? One of the first things I try to do is to determine if my question is an issue of 'what' or 'why', because they are not necessarily the same. I know that sounds like a 'rational' approach and less likely to occur in a highly charged situation but I still try. I tend to be quite logical so this mindset is an easier one to adopt. Still, in this knowing of what/why one still may not be much closer to understanding - but it does provide a framework.
As much as I may not like it, understanding may not come immediately. It may be a situation in which understanding comes as you act on what you believe. There's an old gospel song that says, "We'll understand it better... by and by." And perhaps, the fact that eventually understanding will come will be sufficient.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
HELP!
Do you have any appreciation of the fact that it is extremely difficult to ask for help!? Not that in the asking you'll be refused, simply asking is never easy. I believe that one of the hardest acts a stoic or self sufficient person can do is to ask for help. Actually many times what we all need is a lesson on how to ask for help. Obviously, the more personal and/or important to you, the more the difficulty.
There are those who have absolutely no difficulty asking for assistance, but there are many of us who do. Actually it might be argued that some people would rather ask for help than do whatever needs doing themselves. I might go so far as to characterize these people as 'users'. And that may be part of the problem. Perhaps part of our dilemma rests in how we have been asked to help and what the result was.?
While it is difficult to ask, once the asking has been made and accepted and then the deed done, there are certain 'manners' that should occur. The first is to thank the person helping. A 'thank you' really does go a long way. Second is to make certain that their help/contribution is acknowledged. There is no greater downer than to see the work you've done credited to someone else and the individual does nothing to correct the impression. The third is to let the helper know that if there is anything that you can do for them, you would be pleased to do so. The last is to follow through on the third point if you are able to do so.
There is rarely a willingness to assist again when you feel you have been taken advantage of by the person asking for your assistance. That's why those simple four points are important. Though they may not admit it, people like to receive credit for things they do. Most don't seek a gushing thank you but most will accept a sincere one.
There are those who have absolutely no difficulty asking for assistance, but there are many of us who do. Actually it might be argued that some people would rather ask for help than do whatever needs doing themselves. I might go so far as to characterize these people as 'users'. And that may be part of the problem. Perhaps part of our dilemma rests in how we have been asked to help and what the result was.?
While it is difficult to ask, once the asking has been made and accepted and then the deed done, there are certain 'manners' that should occur. The first is to thank the person helping. A 'thank you' really does go a long way. Second is to make certain that their help/contribution is acknowledged. There is no greater downer than to see the work you've done credited to someone else and the individual does nothing to correct the impression. The third is to let the helper know that if there is anything that you can do for them, you would be pleased to do so. The last is to follow through on the third point if you are able to do so.
There is rarely a willingness to assist again when you feel you have been taken advantage of by the person asking for your assistance. That's why those simple four points are important. Though they may not admit it, people like to receive credit for things they do. Most don't seek a gushing thank you but most will accept a sincere one.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Awkward Age
Are you at that awkward age? You do appreciate that 'awkward age' is not age specific. One can be at that age at any age, though I do realize it is typically associated with a specific time in one's life. But, awkward does occur and is difficult to deal with. Besides, has anyone ever defined why it is awkward?
Webster says that awkward is: clumsy, unwieldy, uncomfortable. Do any of those adjectives resonate? Of course. And we've all been there... more than once. But while it is awkward - do you know why you feel the way you do? I would suggest that part, and in some cases all, of the reason is lack of control over the situation or lack of knowing what's happening and why. One of the descriptive adjectives for awkward is embarrassed. And this might be the main, overriding feeling experienced. Somehow you should know/understand, but you don't.
I think that if you are currently in the awkward age you should know:
1- everyone experiences this, and though that really is of little comfort, at least you know others also go through this experience.
2- it is a stage, a phase that is experienced many times during one's life but simply because you experience it once does not make you an expert - everyone has to find their way out of their own maze.
3- each person needs to stop and analyze what is happening, and then why, and then what - if anything - you can/should do or whether it's a time you have to weather.
There are probably other words of comfort I might be able to offer but... I think I'm going through an awkward time right now myself so I'll need to reread this. Then again...... it may only be a difference of opinion and I'm accepting the other person's definition so.... maybe it's their awkward age.
Webster says that awkward is: clumsy, unwieldy, uncomfortable. Do any of those adjectives resonate? Of course. And we've all been there... more than once. But while it is awkward - do you know why you feel the way you do? I would suggest that part, and in some cases all, of the reason is lack of control over the situation or lack of knowing what's happening and why. One of the descriptive adjectives for awkward is embarrassed. And this might be the main, overriding feeling experienced. Somehow you should know/understand, but you don't.
I think that if you are currently in the awkward age you should know:
1- everyone experiences this, and though that really is of little comfort, at least you know others also go through this experience.
2- it is a stage, a phase that is experienced many times during one's life but simply because you experience it once does not make you an expert - everyone has to find their way out of their own maze.
3- each person needs to stop and analyze what is happening, and then why, and then what - if anything - you can/should do or whether it's a time you have to weather.
There are probably other words of comfort I might be able to offer but... I think I'm going through an awkward time right now myself so I'll need to reread this. Then again...... it may only be a difference of opinion and I'm accepting the other person's definition so.... maybe it's their awkward age.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Prejudice
We are all prejudiced. And we all have preconceived ideas. The only way neither of those two conditions wouldn't exist is if we lived in a vacuum and had no contact with anyone else. It is inevitable to have both based on our own personal experiences and the influences of others we trust. Accepting that is the first step. The second step is to know and understand how they impact on our thinking, our actions, and decisions.
Just as you can have prejudices against someone or an idea, you can have prejudices toward someone or idea. Ideally we know the source, the origin of the prejudice - many times we don't and we don't 'test', examine the prejudice, we just act on them. Though many may disagree with me, I believe that the biggest issue with prejudice is the lack of our understanding, perhaps our recognition of prejudices that we hold.
Prejudice, like many other emotions, is an 'is'. Much of prejudice is based on emotion rather than reason. This can result in a broad paintbrush approach to all things related, which is rarely accurate. We make assumptions based on the initial emotion and then apply that assumption to everything that appears similar. Example: let's assume I don't like almonds. If I let that control then it will be applied to cashews, peanuts, macadamia, etc. Simply because one nut is similar to other nuts, they are all 'bad'. Silly example? Probably. But it does indicate the silliness of prejudice.
Can you not like something and not be prejudice? Good question. Your behavior really answers that question. Do you try and influence others to like/dislike the same thing(s)? There really is a world of difference between indicating your preferences and influencing others to agree. Second: do you apply your opinion on one thing to all related things regardless of their similarity? If so, then your prejudice is not healthy.
Just as you can have prejudices against someone or an idea, you can have prejudices toward someone or idea. Ideally we know the source, the origin of the prejudice - many times we don't and we don't 'test', examine the prejudice, we just act on them. Though many may disagree with me, I believe that the biggest issue with prejudice is the lack of our understanding, perhaps our recognition of prejudices that we hold.
Prejudice, like many other emotions, is an 'is'. Much of prejudice is based on emotion rather than reason. This can result in a broad paintbrush approach to all things related, which is rarely accurate. We make assumptions based on the initial emotion and then apply that assumption to everything that appears similar. Example: let's assume I don't like almonds. If I let that control then it will be applied to cashews, peanuts, macadamia, etc. Simply because one nut is similar to other nuts, they are all 'bad'. Silly example? Probably. But it does indicate the silliness of prejudice.
Can you not like something and not be prejudice? Good question. Your behavior really answers that question. Do you try and influence others to like/dislike the same thing(s)? There really is a world of difference between indicating your preferences and influencing others to agree. Second: do you apply your opinion on one thing to all related things regardless of their similarity? If so, then your prejudice is not healthy.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Rebel
Do you consider yourself a rebel? Do you act rebelliously? Are you proud of being a rebel? Rebels have a certain glamour attached to them - sometimes justified, sometimes not. Perhaps the question should be - in what areas are you a rebel? Do you choose your battles to win or do you come out, on any issue with which you disagree, with guns blazing irrespective of consequences?
Undoubtedly we need to start from a common framework (definition) and Webster's definition is: one who resists authority, to feel or show strong aversion. Again I feel this definition somewhat limiting. For example: does the person who rebels try and influence others? Is the rebellion against an idea or a person - or both? What is the behavior of the rebel - destructive or instructive, among other options? These are important questions and need clarification.
I suspect we all rebel at times but there are those who make a career of rebelling. Unless you know the particulars of the rebellion then it is senseless at best, like a small child stamping their foot when they don't get their own way. Is that what is the root basis of rebellion - getting your own way? If so, then it is petty at best. If the cause of rebellion is a deep held belief then we're talking a more legitimate basis. But the other criteria of imposed belief structure that is contrary to yours becomes the overriding factor. And the word, imposed, is critical. What is the 'why' of the rebellion? And what is the alternative?
Consider those that have been acclaimed as 'rebels' and determine if any of them stood on a principle that you believe worthy of emulation. Rebels who want people to think, to analyze are people worth listening to but not necessarily to follow. Others who only harangue or glamorize themselves are only noise. 'Rebel' is a broad paintbrush and needs to be defined before any stamp can be applied.
Undoubtedly we need to start from a common framework (definition) and Webster's definition is: one who resists authority, to feel or show strong aversion. Again I feel this definition somewhat limiting. For example: does the person who rebels try and influence others? Is the rebellion against an idea or a person - or both? What is the behavior of the rebel - destructive or instructive, among other options? These are important questions and need clarification.
I suspect we all rebel at times but there are those who make a career of rebelling. Unless you know the particulars of the rebellion then it is senseless at best, like a small child stamping their foot when they don't get their own way. Is that what is the root basis of rebellion - getting your own way? If so, then it is petty at best. If the cause of rebellion is a deep held belief then we're talking a more legitimate basis. But the other criteria of imposed belief structure that is contrary to yours becomes the overriding factor. And the word, imposed, is critical. What is the 'why' of the rebellion? And what is the alternative?
Consider those that have been acclaimed as 'rebels' and determine if any of them stood on a principle that you believe worthy of emulation. Rebels who want people to think, to analyze are people worth listening to but not necessarily to follow. Others who only harangue or glamorize themselves are only noise. 'Rebel' is a broad paintbrush and needs to be defined before any stamp can be applied.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Knowing
I'm big on knowing. Knowing makes all the difference. Because... if you know, whether or not you 'like' the knowing, you have your basis to take your next step. I've always been high on the knowing rater, which can get in the way of faith. Faith requires you to act on what you may not know, but believe. And when the two clash... what's your stand? I should probably add that it is my opinion that you are responsible for what you know... and what you believe. What you do with your responsibility relates to your character.
Actually... 'pure' knowing has no quality/value associated with it. Knowing is an 'is'. Either you do or you don't know. What you do with the knowledge or how you act on it begins to define the value. But, in its purest form it is neither good or bad, helpful or harmful, it simply... is. Faith is something you believe in/on and is unwavering but you likewise can never simply point to it. Knowing always rests on some visible, tangible evidence.
Knowing has the potential of being a building block, a part of your foundation. As a result, it can add further 'structure' to your faith. But faith really doesn't need this because, like knowing, faith is an 'is'. There is no 'partial' or 'maybe' faith. Faith is as strong as knowing. The similarities between faith and knowing are significant - you are responsible for both, it ultimately requires you to act in some fashion, it is an 'is'.
However there is an enormous difference as well. Faith's evidence is more spiritual and knowing's evidence is more concrete. Faith is personal. Knowing is factual. But don't ever dismiss knowing as unimportant to faith. Knowing supports faith. I believe that knowing adds substance to our faith. The point is that knowing, 'adds'. It is not the basis for faith or it wouldn't be faith.
Knowing has an important role in how we act. When we act on what we know then we share the truth we've discovered. But just like the description of the elephant supplied by 10 blind men.... there may be more than what we've discovered thus far. Sharing our knowing will expand our knowledge.
Actually... 'pure' knowing has no quality/value associated with it. Knowing is an 'is'. Either you do or you don't know. What you do with the knowledge or how you act on it begins to define the value. But, in its purest form it is neither good or bad, helpful or harmful, it simply... is. Faith is something you believe in/on and is unwavering but you likewise can never simply point to it. Knowing always rests on some visible, tangible evidence.
Knowing has the potential of being a building block, a part of your foundation. As a result, it can add further 'structure' to your faith. But faith really doesn't need this because, like knowing, faith is an 'is'. There is no 'partial' or 'maybe' faith. Faith is as strong as knowing. The similarities between faith and knowing are significant - you are responsible for both, it ultimately requires you to act in some fashion, it is an 'is'.
However there is an enormous difference as well. Faith's evidence is more spiritual and knowing's evidence is more concrete. Faith is personal. Knowing is factual. But don't ever dismiss knowing as unimportant to faith. Knowing supports faith. I believe that knowing adds substance to our faith. The point is that knowing, 'adds'. It is not the basis for faith or it wouldn't be faith.
Knowing has an important role in how we act. When we act on what we know then we share the truth we've discovered. But just like the description of the elephant supplied by 10 blind men.... there may be more than what we've discovered thus far. Sharing our knowing will expand our knowledge.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Feelings
Tell me, how do you feel? Happy? Sad? Joyous? Bored? And these are only 4 of the endless choices of feelings. That's my point - choice. We do choose how we feel and then we act on it. If that sounded critical, I didn't mean to appear judgmental - it was a statement of fact. Consciously or unconsciously we always act out our feelings. This is not a right/wrong issue it's a given.
If you are about to take issue with my contention that we choose how we feel, take a moment and dispassionately consider the evidence. We are all bombarded with countless feelings every day as a reaction to people and issues. We can accept these feelings and make them ours, at least for a moment in time, or we can reject them. But, it typically is our choice. It can be argued that we can't determine, in advance, our feelings but we can choose how our feelings are expressed.
Whatever feeling emerges... deal with it. And then move on. Our face is a give away to our feelings. And unless the words attempt to deny the feeling, most of the time people listen to the words but focus on how we look. It is not only OK but preferable that there is congruence between words and feelings. I handle a "I'd prefer not to discuss it." better than to a "fine.", especially when it is obvious that you aren't.
I would never suggest that you ignore your feelings - that's a recipe for disaster because feelings insist on seeping out the corners. They will have their say. But, they don't have to control. Express themselves, certainly, but continue to dictate - not necessarily. You determine who controls you - your feelings or you.
If you are about to take issue with my contention that we choose how we feel, take a moment and dispassionately consider the evidence. We are all bombarded with countless feelings every day as a reaction to people and issues. We can accept these feelings and make them ours, at least for a moment in time, or we can reject them. But, it typically is our choice. It can be argued that we can't determine, in advance, our feelings but we can choose how our feelings are expressed.
Whatever feeling emerges... deal with it. And then move on. Our face is a give away to our feelings. And unless the words attempt to deny the feeling, most of the time people listen to the words but focus on how we look. It is not only OK but preferable that there is congruence between words and feelings. I handle a "I'd prefer not to discuss it." better than to a "fine.", especially when it is obvious that you aren't.
I would never suggest that you ignore your feelings - that's a recipe for disaster because feelings insist on seeping out the corners. They will have their say. But, they don't have to control. Express themselves, certainly, but continue to dictate - not necessarily. You determine who controls you - your feelings or you.
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