Disagreement.... another perspective

What do you do, Cosmic Reader, when confronted by someone who holds diametrically opposing views on a topic that's near and dear to your heart? Confront them? Tell them they are idiots to think that way? Listen to them? Avoid them at all costs because there probably are other topics you won't agree on?

Those are just some of the options available when met with an opposing view and I must admit that, on occasion, I have used each of them as well as others not mentioned. Then again, I tend to react based on the way the opposite view is expressed and how they are responding to me. Am I reacted to in any of the ways I've already mentioned? If so, I believe that the first two rarely produce any positive resolution.

The bottom line in all this is that we do judge another person based on how they agree and how they disagree with us. However I will contend, vehemently if necessary, that the HOW of the expression of disagreement is the critical consideration.

When I respond to another's view with the intent to learn something about them and why they hold a contrary view, I come away totally different. And the reverse is also true. Then again I believe that in every situation you can learn something new - about yourself, about others. I also admit that I don't always act on this philosophy, but I do try to.

I'm definitely not advocating you abandon your own particular beliefs, far from it. I am, however, suggesting that you be open enough to allow differing views to co-exist. Disagreements can be the basis for either enhancing, through understanding/appreciation of another view or the basis for destroying a relationship. The choice is really up to us.

Without hope

Without hope is not the same as hopeless... at least in my world of definitions. Somehow, 'hopeless' still retains an element of the potential for hope but 'without hope' doesn't. "Without hope' is bleak, is barren... is the depth of sadness, is a void.

I was vividly reminded of the thought of being without hope today because it's my father's birthday and he has gone home to be with Mom and the Lord. I know how desolate I would feel if without hope was his state. Praise God, it isn't because my father had accepted Jesus as his Lord. But what about those who reject the free offer of life? What do they feel? Despondent?

I realize that we all have the opportunity to accept or reject this offer and though I can't imagine why anyone would reject the offer of eternal life - they do. This also places a responsibility on those of us who live in hope to pass it on, share it with others. It is imperative to be the Lord's ambassadors, to share the good news so that others have the opportunity to accept the free gift of life.

In these perilous times, as we rush toward the end of the age... we either live in hope or live without hope. It really is incredibly simple to walk into hope.....

Reassessment

I decided it was time, after 2 months, to review what I have been writing. I think, Cosmic Reader, that I have gotten too much into 'cute'.

Cute is OK, in moderation but too often I think I've nudged the line. So, effective with the next post, I will attempt to keep tongue out of cheek and firmly where it belongs. In this, I hope to be able to be a tad more ... well, profound isn't the right word, serious doesn't really capture it either. More... thoughtful, thought provoking. I think that's closer to the posture I'd like to portray.

Admittedly cute will emerge, dependent upon the subject, but what I think I'd prefer doing is to challenge you. What is it YOU think... and why... and does anything I say make you reassess what you believe. Knowing yet being open to refine/re-evaluate what you believe is quite important. Besides, you should never stop learning and thinking. You should always be open to discovery and being surprised at life.

100+%

You do realize that you can go over 100% mark - it's called the 'above and beyond' state. Problems (burnout) tend to occur when you try and do the 100+% with a number of things in your life. It never works.... at least it doesn't for me.

Personally I define this state as 'commitment'. It is a level of intensity, of involvement that is somewhat consuming of time and energy. This is why I don't quickly commit to something because I rarely do anything by halves.

The 100+% state can be applied to almost anything in your life - from people to ideas to activities .... passion is typically the best source to know if you are a +. And a significant key ingredient to whether or not something is at the + state is how you spend your time. If there is no time spent there is no + state. Period. One can't simply say that they are 100% committed, actions still do speak louder than words.

Do realize that a + state can change as your level of commitment changes - and yes, it can change but it can also become a lifestyle. For me, if I'm at 100+% then whatever the focus typically becomes about 10% if there is change. But, I also rarely get to 0% since I infrequently throw anything totally out.

Horrors.... I think I'm a food snob....

Actually, I'm pretty sure I am. Not in the gourmand category yet but could be in the snob category (pre gourmand standard).

I suppose, to a degree, it was inevitable since my family (many times sans brother's delight) enjoyed trying new foods. I do think Mom and Dad were in the gourmand category, at least in certain culinary areas. Dad was forever discovering 'interesting' tasty morsels to try. I was always game tho' my brother typically was not. Then again older sister pointing out that he was no experimenter probably didn't help. Later in life however, I think he did swing over to this thinking since it was he who introduced me to escargot.

What is a food snob? I suspect, like nearly everything else, this is specially defined. For me, it lies in preferences. Given the choice I really dislike 'eating' but I do like 'dining'. Eating always connotes rushing to me and since I abhor rushing, eating is not a particularly favorite activity. Another designation lies with: which do you prefer - dining on something you've had numerous times and enjoyed or trying something new?

There are all sorts of 'tests' to determine one's food inclination. But it's the attitude of the heart that really is the determinant. Besides... is being a food snob really all that bad?

Fast lane.... slow lane

I was talking with a friend the other day about enjoying being in the slow-er lane now that I am retired and my friend said that they weren't ready to retire yet, that they really enjoyed the fast lane and that there was still so much to do. Hm. To quote that famous line... what we have here is a failure to communicate...

As I've seen so many times, we use the same words but specially define them so it's little wonder we have a failure to communicate. I got to wondering how many times we do this and then discover we are not saying the same thing. Example: the fast vs. slow lane.

To me, the slow-er lane means that I am now in control over my time. 'er' means.... most of the time. But no longer does my job determine how I spend my 'free' time and my work time. Lane speed has nothing to do with activity or goals or dreams or accomplishments. However, I can see how my use of the word would lead to exactly that interpretation.

But I still have a great deal I want to do. The critical word here is 'I'. Now, for the most part, I can make the determination of what lane I want to be in and how fast I want to go. Unfortunately, for far too many - being in or being seen as in a slower lane means doing very little or nothing at all. That is not what retirement is all about. But each person needs to discover for themselves what they want from life, what they want to give and how to go about doing both.

Pleasing

To paraphrase an old saying: You can please some of the people some of the time, and please part of the people part of the time, but there is absolutely no way you can ever please all of the people all of the time!

So what's the alternative? Please no one? Au contrare. That's placing the wrong accent on the wrong syllable. You need to look at the WHY of people pleasing. We all people please to some degree, but the issue is - what's your degree?

People pleasing is a way of being, the way of life for some people. Unfortunately they get so into that mindset that nothing, or very little, is based on what they honestly believe. That is tragic. The irony is that people who really want to be pleasing to others typically end up pleasing no one.

The major issue is, trust. If I can't trust you to be honest with me regarding your thinking, what you believe then how can I trust you with anything? If all you do is placate then I have no way of knowing if you'll support me when the going gets rough. You might just bolt and take the opposite stand. But when I know from the start what you think then I'm not surprised when you act on your own thinking.

And no, I'm not saying that you should ignore the feelings of someone else. And yes, I know that there are those who surround themselves with only 'yes' people. But how can you stand on and believe in your own integrity if you merely agree with whomever you're with? And... will you remember what you agreed with and with whom?

Now what?????

What do you do, Cosmic Reader, when you get blindsided? Or, when the worse case scenario actually occurs? How do you cope? What do you do next? Do you have options? Have you planned for possibilities?

We all face these struggles/obstacles/realities. Unless you are very, very unusual you face disappointments, however you choose to define the word. The critical mindset is: are you a wallower or do you,,, "pick yourself up/dust yourself off/and start all over again"(definitely with a new view/approach)?

Simply because wallowing doesn't accomplish anything has nothing to do with this mindset. A wallower is a moan-er (oooohhhh woe is me) and the reason for the 'failure' is never, or rarely, their fault. The thing that a wallower needs to realize is that fault finding won't accomplish much, unless discovering the reason for the lack of success becomes the motivator for a new attempt. And this holds true for being blindsided as well.

Coping becomes the focus, or should be. And from the coping, determining the next action, it's a 'moving on' mindset. Coping never denies the disappointment but is really learner based - determining what to do if that situation ever repeats as well as providing a structure of what to do now.

"Irish" is a state of mind

Today is March 17th - St. Patrick's Day. It's a day of joyous celebration! Not just of Irish-ness but of life, in all its glory. Yes, and tears.

There's a song on Celtic Woman's new DVD/CD called Nil SeN La - great fun. But it's the translation from the celtic that's important. It means "seize the day". For me, it also reminds me of the scripture - "for such a time as this". Both are triumphant declarations of life! Both are empowering.

I can claim a legitimate Irish heritage, entitling me to profess and stand on 'seizing the day'. But even if I wasn't Irish - I can lay claim to the mindset. Everyone can! For me, seizing means to (in the words of Captain Kirk) boldly go where no one else has gone. That place differs with each person, but it does empower you to go, and to go boldly - not slinking into the place.

For the Christian there is an added ability, an authorization based on who you are in Christ. Talk about emboldened! In Him we are equipped with everything we need to do what we are called to do. The only question is - will you?

Love is a verb

I know, I know this is a given. But, Cosmic Reader, not necessarily. Some people define the word more as a noun.

Love is one of those words that is individually defined and rarely communicated. I know what I mean by 'love'. But we can even use the same words to define it and mean different things. That's why I always looked to the behavior to see if there was any congruence between the spoken word and the accompanying actions. I became determined as a young person that if I did love someone, that I wanted to demonstrate it before I said it.

Part of the dilemma is that I may mean one thing when I say "I love you" to my parents and different again when I'm talking to a friend and an entirely different meaning when I'm talking to my fiance', which was different when he was my boyfriend. The definitions vary and the accompanying behaviors differ. The Greeks recognized this predicament and came up with 3 different words to describe/define love - we English-speaking people don't have that luxury.

Love is so special and so important that it's important for you to know your own definitions and behaviors and to not expect that the object of your affection may feel the same. So many hurt feelings and disappointments have occurred because of misunderstandings/different definitions that it really is critical, especially in marriages, to talk about love. Love requires transparency and opening oneself to another and this is risky. The alternative, though, is pain.

Family

"They" say you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends. It's a trite saying because it's true. There's another saying that's equally apt: Home is where your story begins. In my case, if I could choose a family.... it would be the one I've been blessed with - warts and all.

It's home and these relationships that begin to determine who you are and why and how you relate with others. For me, having family around is what it's all about. Individuals to the core, every one, then again.... for survival, you'd have to be. One of the more delightful aspects is that we really do enjoy one another's company.

Always agree? Hardly. We put the scriptural reference of 'iron sharpening iron' to the test constantly. Bottom line though is that each person's opinion is valued, even if it isn't agreed with or followed. The ability to express a thought/idea/belief, allowing others to agree or disagree, seems to be the hallmark.

Before this appears to be a treatise on the virtues of my family, glamorized and idealized, we are not the paragon of all virtues - there are errors, misunderstandings that do occur. But there are also two invaluable qualities that also permeate our relationships: saying you're sorry and forgiveness. One does make mistakes but we also are quick to say we made a mistake and apologize - and the other person is quick to forgive.

Family is every one's beginning - for good or not - and how you grow in that environment begins your story.

Black, White..........Gray

(A few years ago I wrote an e-book and this segment was part of it. In revisiting the thinking I find that I really haven't changed.)
When is a spade not a spade? This is not a trick question. A spade is always a spade. It isn't a club or a diamond or a heart - it is a spade. Perhaps it appears a bit childish but I tend to see life issues in black and white terms, either/or, truth/false. Simplistic I grant you but it's the standard I choose to live by. I live in a black and white reality and it's not that I'm unaware that most people live in the gray - I just don't choose to.

I would argue that part of the problem people face in relationships is that often you don't really know where the other person stands. Flip-flopping is difficult to deal with. At one moment the other person may agree with you and five minutes later agree with a totally contrary position.

However - the 'change' really isn't based on a reaoned approach to the issue. It is either based in people pleasing, 'politics', or both since they are not mutually exclusive. Regardless, I always end up wondering what is the other person's true thinking.

Pet Peeves...

Everyone has pet peeves but there are some things that zoom up to the top of my list quite easily. Example: in the check-out lane at your favorite grocery store, they also give you coupons to entice you back into the store later. Typically it is a limited time offer but what is truly irritating is when you go back armed with your coupon you discover they either no longer carry the item or are 'temporarily' out. If the item does return, it seems like it always is after the expiration time on the coupon.

Undoubtedly the top of my list of pet peeves are people who talk over you. And it isn't even an argument! They just think that what they have to say is far more important/interesting than what someone else is saying at the moment (and no, it doesn't necessarily mean you are the speaker). I really get extremely annoyed. When I was teaching and this occurred, I simply stopped speaking, stared at the 'offender' and waited... at least 2 heartbeats after it got quiet I would take up at the point I had stopped. My point was made and rarely did I have to repeat the behavior.

Another juicy peeve are people who are never, as in ever, on time. I don't believe, at least I'd like to, it's deliberate but what they are saying loudly is that their desires/wants take precedence over everyone and everything. Many times they rush in with some excuse, only when they are extremely late. But really... why should everything stop and wait? I think the peeve part is that everything and everyone does.

I did it again.....

What do you do, Cosmic Reader, when you disappoint yourself? Promise yourself never to do/say 'that' again? Try to make amends, if possible? Correct your words/actions by overcompensating? Apologize? All of the above? More?

I know that I really get disgusted with myself and disappointed when I am the originator of the above behavior. The problem is when it is a reoccurring reality. A 'bad habit'. However, continuing to 'whip' yourself over what you've said or done is rarely constructive. But if you truly want to change rather than only giving lip service, then you can.

Bottom line is that there is no easy answer. And for each person in this quandary, the 'remedy' may be slightly different. First thing to remember is that this 'habit' won't be easily broken - it will take time, concentration, and dedication. Two: I believe you need to replace the bad with something positive. A void is the devil's playground. So, if you don't put something in place you'll find that not only does the habit strengthen, it typically finds complementary bad habits to join.

Disappointment in self can be overcome... if you want to become a better person and are willing to pay the price for the change.

Clutter

I really intensely dislike dirt but I seem to function quite nicely in clutter. Clutter keeps those items you just might need only a hand away. Then again, I'm talking about organized clutter and that is not an oxymoron.

I would never be able to endure an entire house or apartment cluttered, I'm talking about one room, like the study (never the bedroom) not unlike a junk drawer, but different. In that very special room you can 'organize' those things that you really don't want to put away in some sort of plan/pattern that makes sense to you. Somewhat visible and easily found.

I tend to be a highly organized person so having one room randomized meets my particular sense of order. For me it's the study (read: second bedroom sans bed) where I have my computer, printer, paper, resources, clock, etc. that make for a homey atmosphere yet without any discerable order.

Clutter - but never dirt. It really is quite delightful.

Self (worth) acceptance, Part 1

Bottom line: you can never accept another's valuing of you until you know, understand, and accept your self - yes, with all the negatives but also with all the positives.

Self worth, especially for those with low self esteem, is a difficult act. Not the least of reasons being that it flies in the face of who (you) believe yourself to be. And, who you believe yourself to be is an anchor for what you do, for what you say.

Low self esteem people tend to focus on all the mistakes they've made, all the wrong that's occurred. In a way, it's a kind of reverse arrogance - but it really is arrogance. Wait! Before you argue that last point, have you ever talked with a person with low self esteem who was willing to see their good side? Or do they argue the point? Reverse arrogance.

Self acceptance of worth doesn't mean you're perfect. It means, simply, that you have value. But it also means that you have responsibility for this. Self acceptance isn't for cowards. You do pay a price for being willing/able to accept yourself - warts and beauty spots. But you pay an enormouse price for self induced blindness. You steal - not only from others, but from yourself.

The Silent Generation

I just recently read that those born before the "Boomer" Generation were the "Silent" Generation. Have no idea who decided on that title, but I don't think so. We could be called the Purpose-Driven or Purposed generation, but we are hardly silent. And exactly how many years constitutes a generation? It seems to change constantly.

People in my generation were born before/at/during WWII and were children of soldiers, sailors, pilots - those who defended our country against tyranny. We were also children of those who had survived the Depression - no little feat. Thus we had a kind of built-in survival mode, but it was more than that. At least my parents also valued a giving back, doing something for others. I realize that sounds so altruistic, but this was the mindset - and it also identified my friends.

During our work life, we worked - attempting to improve life and living for others. Just look at what has been accomplished - cancer research, cell phones and computers are only a couple of examples. Granted you can argue that this was accomplished by the boomers - but we were also involved, these weren't created in a vacuum. You can also point to at least 2 non-wars that mobilized the children, many of them our siblings, thus creating 'flower' children, protestors, etc. But I'd like to believe there were high minded people on both sides.

Perhaps we haven't blown our own horn which makes us silent. Then again.... silent doesn't mean ineffective. We were purpose directed - we attempted to improve life.

Humor

I'm a firm believer that a good hearty laugh a day is critical to good mental health... at least to keeping your funny bone happy. But... do you know what makes you laugh?

Personally I'm not particularly fond of slapstick, unless it's underplayed and short. Some performers do this to perfection but mostly it's done 'over the top' and ceases to be funny. And I've never liked humor that's at someone else's expense. Making fun of others is so low class that I don't even like to associate it with humor.

I suspect that my kind of humor is of the droll, understated, perhaps even self-deprecating type - the thinking person's humor, if you will. Example: I love the humor of the Britcom, "As Time Goes By", but really don't like the humor of the hugely popular, "Keeping Up Appearances". The first doesn't demean anyone, actually it pokes a kind of gentle humor at oneself. The second is unthinking to the point of verging on cruel, albeit undeliberate.

I like the kind of comedy that surprises you and you find yourself chuckling or laughing not the kind of comedy that overplays the scene. Again an example: Cary Grant did a marvelous job of being amusing even in dramas through his understatement - a look is all it took at times, but I never appreciated the Three Stooges.

My point is that we all have types of humor we enjoy and those we don't. Thus... find yours and bask in it at least once every day.

Character

If you were to meet you, would you like you? Do you think you'd trust you? If you were in a place where you needed assistance, would you ask you for help? If you were going to celebrate something significant in your life, would you ask you to participate?

All the answers to those questions relate to your character. And yes, there are a great number of other questions but these 'surface' answers will lead to a development of relationship or only an acquaintance based relationship. (You do realize you can have an acquaintance based understanding of who you are, don't you? It takes courage to face who you are - both the positive and negative, not just one.)

If you've never thought about yourself in terms of your character, you should. Your character will be evident, partially from your words but mostly from your behavior. But it states very clearly who you are.

Are you stuck with your character? Yes, unless you consciously decide to change it and are willing to honestly look at who you are, determine who you want to be, and work on making the changes become who you will be.

2nd chances… 3rd?

I'm a firm believer in 2nd chances... and sometimes even 3rd. Since we all do/say things we wished we hadn't, we all need that opportunity 'to make amends'/correct /change...

In some respects one could look on 2nd/3rd chances as 'apology accepted' since most of the time it is because it was allowed by someone else. Another way of looking at 2nd/3rd is that you were trying out options and simply didn't pick the best one the first time. In many respects it's totally irrelevant the reason for the existence of another chance, the important thing is to discover if this is available when you find yourself in a position requiring one.

Before giving up, always see if you can't correct an incorrect action - that's why, typically, there is always more than only 1 chance.

Dreams

Dad always liked to say that it didn't cost you any more to dream big than it did to dream small. I have no idea if he was quoting someone else or this was original with him. Regardless, this is true. Dreams have little to do with what's 'realistic' and everything to do with one's own personal hopes, goals, ambitions.

Dreams, in my opinion, should color what we do and why - 'color' not determine. Dreams are like the frame of your house - they provide a kind of structure. Actually I think the basic problem is that we are all so immediacy oriented that if the dreams don't transpire within the first couple of hours we are ready to let them go. And if they take longer to materialize then forget it - onto something else. But... a really good dream takes time, takes commitment, takes standing, takes refining, and takes work.

Dreams should direct, not dictate. They don't become goals unless you translate them into that. But, to me, the overriding action is perseverence. So, Cosmic Reader, are you willing to persever for your dream? And... are you working toward fulfilling your dream or just letting it sit there... waiting for it to fall into your lap? It won't you know.